Homesick

While on the Camino, I thought a lot about my home, or lack thereof.   I haven’t had a real home for the past four years, and was feeling a bit displaced because of it.  One morning while walking, I asked the Universe to please reveal to me where my home was.  Or where it should be.  I told the Universe that I was open to whatever answer I may receive.  Open to wherever the Universe felt was best.

I expected to receive a feeling, a knowing, to indicate that I should perhaps move to Oregon, New York, Spain, or some other location.  But I didn’t receive an answer that day.  Nor did my answer arrive by the end of the Camino.  So I returned to the States, still wondering where my home was meant to be. 

But today, I got it.  I got my answer, and it is one I wouldn’t ever have expected.  An answer so ironic, I could just laugh out loud.

Tonight I watched the movie, The Way for the second time, but for the first time since I have returned from walking the Camino myself.   As I watched Martin Sheen and his new comrades hoist their packs onto their backs and begin their hike across Spain, I immediately felt tears welling up in my eyes.  Not tears of sadness, or of wanting to be there again, but tears of…..love.  Of how much I love the Camino.   And I felt…..homesick.  Homesick for the Camino.

Homesick??  Is it possible to feel homesick for an experience?  A moment in time?  A journey on which I never slept in the same bed (or city for that matter) twice? 

I have always recognized the validity of the old saying, “Home is where the heart is”, or at least I thought I did.   I guess I did not realize that I had somehow put stipulations upon this phrase in my mind.  As open-minded as I like to think I am, I realize that I was operating under the assumption that this referred to “home” was still a physical place of some sort in which you reside, and where, at the very least, you are with another person with whom you love.  But tonight, I realize that’s not quite right.  It’s deeper than that.  And simpler.

eofdreams.com

If home is where MY heart is, my unique, one-of-a-kind heart, then, my home is wherever I give and receive love- to anyone (including myself).  My home is where I laugh and smile.  Where I feel safe and accepted.  Where I am free to be exactly who I am, and am celebrated for it.  Home is where I am happy and at peace being alone with myself, and home is where I celebrate being surrounded by my amazing friends I am so blessed to have.  Home is wherever I am when I am living my life as my most Authentic Self, and wherever and whenever I allow my heart to truly sing.

My home is where I stand and gaze up at the full moon.  Home is where I feel the wind in my hair and clean air in my lungs.  Home is in the eyes, smile, and arms of a loved one.  Home is in my deep connection to the very soul of the Universe and to all the beautiful souls within it.

Now knowing what “home” is to me, I now realize I have been blessed with many homes in my life.  My home is on the dirt path of the Camino.  My home is at anchor off of the Amalfi Coast.  My home is in an old palace in a small village in Scotland.  My home is in the Redwoods of California, and on the beaches of Maui. My home is in lands I still have yet to explore. 

I have been searching for my home for quite sometime, and today, I feel a bit silly, now realizing that the answer is (and always has been) as obvious as the nose on my face.  It doesn't matter what state or country I decide to live in because my home is literally within ME.  It always has been and it always will be.  Looking for my place on this earth is futile, because I am at home, period.  No matter where I am or what I am doing.  A vagabond I may be, but a home I always shall have.

And if I don’t say so myself, my heart is the most wonderful and beautiful home I could ever have hoped to have.  Thanks Universe. ;)

Please enjoy a very favorite song of mine from Ben Harper, Give a Man a Home.
Ben Harper, Give a Man a Home

New Chapter!

Now I begin yet again, another chapter.  After having the past 3 months all to myself to do some personal traveling, it is now time to start making money rather than just spending it (I guess, if I have to ;)).  So time for a new job.  And a new job I have.  Nothing too monumental; I’ve hopped onto another boat.  But this boat is different from the boats I have been on in the past, and I am excited about the “change”.

If you do the same thing you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

These two quotes were often discussed while hiking the Camino, and made me think about how I was approaching change in my own life.  I know I have been wanting to make the break from yachting for a while, but just haven’t seemed to be able to do so yet.  And although I have once again gotten myself onto another boat, I think this time, I have taken a positive step towards weaning myself off of this habit.

Yes, it’s a yacht job again, but there are some differences.  One, for the next 5 months, this yacht only does dinner cruises, and will not have any guests staying aboard.  This is HUGE, I cannot express how huge.  It’s like instead of running a floating restaurant AND hotel, we are only running the restaurant end, and don’t have to worry about the hotel end at all.  Amazing.  I love it.  This means I will not be working for months in a row without a day off, resulting in me being less stressed, more balanced, with the possibility of being able to have a life outside of the boat.  Whooo-hoo!  Two, (now this one is CRAZY), the boat is to stay docked in one area all summer, and……(get this) the boat is docked only 30 minutes from my hometown.  Whaaaat??  Yes, it’s true.  This one took me a while to get my head around, as the whole reason I got into yachting 4 years ago was to TRAVEL.  And travel I have done, so perhaps maybe, just maybe, being at home for a summer could be a good thing.  It has been years since I have lived here, and when I have come home to visit over the past few years, it usually was for a whirl-wind weekend visit, flying on a flight I had just booked the day prior to departure, due to the ever unpredictable yachting schedule.  And Three, much more including the fact that the crew is cool, chill, and the chef is willing and even eagerly cooking gluten-free, vegan for me!  Such a surprise and major bonus!

My get-away vehicle

Back to the being at home for 5 months, the whole thing is a little crazy to me.  Is this “change” good for me?  I think the answer to that is a resounding YES.  As I said, this boat will allow me some free time, which I can leave the boat (I have my own car here- YAY!  A LUXURY in yachting- not having to share with the crew- WOW.), so I have freedom.  Something that is rare to find as a crewmember on a yacht.  With that freedom, I can do whatever I want, including go to my Mom’s house to chill and visit all of my wonderful old (and well-neglected) friends.  I can go to the gym, to a yoga class, see a doctor, get a haircut, all without a hassle- yes, to me, this is luxury.  Sigh.  It’s wonderful. 

Even more so, I am excited to be back in the Minneapolis area because it was here that I first discovered and developed my interest in spirituality and where I first found my own inner strength.  Over the years in yachting, I have lost that part of me considerably and I look forward to gaining it back.  There is an amazing spiritual community in this area, bringing me the comfort in knowing I have a great support group to turn to while I begin to transform my deepest dreams into my reality.

As much as I have loved (and at times, not loved) my yachting career, I am ready to wean myself off of it.  And this boat may be just the one to do it.  Not because it isn’t a great boat- actually because it is a great boat, and that is exactly why it is perfect for me at this time.  “Right place, right time,” has been a mantra of mine for a while and this opportunity is just that.  The right place at the right time.

Normally, I would have hopped onto a new boat, and been literally swept away, off to another land and my entire life would be operating in the “bubble” of whatever was going on on that particular boat.  Nothing from the outside world can penetrate this bubble.  Your life becomes all-consumed by what is happening on the floating 50 meters of steel and fiberglass you call your home, and everything outside of it just falls away.  Whether it is something important to you or not.

Finally, I have burst my own bubble and couldn’t be happier about it!  It may only be a small step towards change, but it is a step all the same because it is allowing me to do a few things differently from what I have been doing over the past few years. And I look forward to getting an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, different result!  Wish me luck!! :)