Homesick

While on the Camino, I thought a lot about my home, or lack thereof.   I haven’t had a real home for the past four years, and was feeling a bit displaced because of it.  One morning while walking, I asked the Universe to please reveal to me where my home was.  Or where it should be.  I told the Universe that I was open to whatever answer I may receive.  Open to wherever the Universe felt was best.

I expected to receive a feeling, a knowing, to indicate that I should perhaps move to Oregon, New York, Spain, or some other location.  But I didn’t receive an answer that day.  Nor did my answer arrive by the end of the Camino.  So I returned to the States, still wondering where my home was meant to be. 

But today, I got it.  I got my answer, and it is one I wouldn’t ever have expected.  An answer so ironic, I could just laugh out loud.

Tonight I watched the movie, The Way for the second time, but for the first time since I have returned from walking the Camino myself.   As I watched Martin Sheen and his new comrades hoist their packs onto their backs and begin their hike across Spain, I immediately felt tears welling up in my eyes.  Not tears of sadness, or of wanting to be there again, but tears of…..love.  Of how much I love the Camino.   And I felt…..homesick.  Homesick for the Camino.

Homesick??  Is it possible to feel homesick for an experience?  A moment in time?  A journey on which I never slept in the same bed (or city for that matter) twice? 

I have always recognized the validity of the old saying, “Home is where the heart is”, or at least I thought I did.   I guess I did not realize that I had somehow put stipulations upon this phrase in my mind.  As open-minded as I like to think I am, I realize that I was operating under the assumption that this referred to “home” was still a physical place of some sort in which you reside, and where, at the very least, you are with another person with whom you love.  But tonight, I realize that’s not quite right.  It’s deeper than that.  And simpler.

eofdreams.com

If home is where MY heart is, my unique, one-of-a-kind heart, then, my home is wherever I give and receive love- to anyone (including myself).  My home is where I laugh and smile.  Where I feel safe and accepted.  Where I am free to be exactly who I am, and am celebrated for it.  Home is where I am happy and at peace being alone with myself, and home is where I celebrate being surrounded by my amazing friends I am so blessed to have.  Home is wherever I am when I am living my life as my most Authentic Self, and wherever and whenever I allow my heart to truly sing.

My home is where I stand and gaze up at the full moon.  Home is where I feel the wind in my hair and clean air in my lungs.  Home is in the eyes, smile, and arms of a loved one.  Home is in my deep connection to the very soul of the Universe and to all the beautiful souls within it.

Now knowing what “home” is to me, I now realize I have been blessed with many homes in my life.  My home is on the dirt path of the Camino.  My home is at anchor off of the Amalfi Coast.  My home is in an old palace in a small village in Scotland.  My home is in the Redwoods of California, and on the beaches of Maui. My home is in lands I still have yet to explore. 

I have been searching for my home for quite sometime, and today, I feel a bit silly, now realizing that the answer is (and always has been) as obvious as the nose on my face.  It doesn't matter what state or country I decide to live in because my home is literally within ME.  It always has been and it always will be.  Looking for my place on this earth is futile, because I am at home, period.  No matter where I am or what I am doing.  A vagabond I may be, but a home I always shall have.

And if I don’t say so myself, my heart is the most wonderful and beautiful home I could ever have hoped to have.  Thanks Universe. ;)

Please enjoy a very favorite song of mine from Ben Harper, Give a Man a Home.
Ben Harper, Give a Man a Home